


Captain 'Socialist Rage Muffin' America

by mybrotherharry



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Multi, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve being a little shit, across several decades, anyway i tried, i dont even know, lets hear it for captain america being a little shit, political! steve, socialist rage muffin steve, tony being exasperated but secretly pleased, very crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22141243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrotherharry/pseuds/mybrotherharry
Summary: It takes three months of dating Steve Rogers for Tony tounderstandwhy Aunt Peggy once shot at him in sheer frustration.Alternately titled,Honey, I committed treason again.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 204
Kudos: 1323
Collections: Creative Chaos Discord Recs, interesting tony





	Captain 'Socialist Rage Muffin' America

**Author's Note:**

> ....I don't even know, okay? 
> 
> I just saw the news yesterday about US and Iran, and this happened. Steve Rogers is a socialist muffin, fight me.
> 
> Edit: this fic is poly m/m/m by the end. The relationship however is not the focus of the fic.

It takes three months of dating Steve Rogers for Tony to _understand_ why Aunt Peggy once shot at him in sheer frustration.  
  
*  
  
"That's not what happened," Steve defends, standing by the bathroom door in his boxer briefs, toothbrush still in his mouth. 

"Shut the fuck up, Rogers," Tony throws a pillow at him.  
  
*  
  
Steve is earnest about everything. This is frankly an adorable quality trait.

It just seems less adorable when six feet of All-American earnestness calls you from jail at three am and asks for bail money.

For the _fourth_ time. In six months.

"Let the record show," Tony says, traipsing in to the cell in the PD office of middle of nowhere, Tennessee, still in the Iron Man armor, "that I was tempted to let you rot in jail for another day."

"I am grateful that you didn't," Steve smiles at him from his spot on the little cot. He gets to his feet and kisses Tony on the mouth, his hands on the waist of the armor.

"Yeah, yeah," Tony says nonchalant. "What did you do this time, Rogers? And where the hell is Romanoff?"

"Right here," she says from the little hallway. 

"You were supposed to watch him," Tony points a finger at her. "I told you! He can't be allowed to pick fights in back alleys again -"

"It was an Applebees," Steve interjects, raising a hand.

"- I told you to keep him away from prejudiced rednecks."

"For the record, I did," Natasha says, leaning against the dirty wall, running a nail file through her fingers.

Tony whirls on Steve. "What did you do?"

"Tony, sweetheart - "

"Don't you sweetheart me, Rogers," Tony stabs Steve in the chest with his sunglasses. 

"He defended your virtue from the mean bigoted socialist," Nat says from behind them.

"What?"

"There was protest against big oil," Steve chimes in.

"Good cause," Tony agrees, confused how the hell he managed to make enemies among the eco-spirited hippies. Hell, he IS one.

"There were signs."

"I am sure."

"We got to talking about green energy," Steve continues, turning redder. "I mentioned visiting the Stark plant in Minnesota, and suddenly I had this guy pounce on me about how you're actually in the pockets of Exxon."

"I am not." Tony agrees. "I hate Exxon."

"Is what I said!" 

"Did you just say it, Steve?" Natasha asks, smiling mischievously.

"Okay, so I might have punched him," Steve confesses. "But only after -"

"It's okay, darling," Tony kisses him on the lips. "You tried to defend my honor. This time. Let go now, I gotta go talk to the big, mean sheriff about the national icon he's got locked up in county jail."  
  
*  
  
Tony sees Steve on the TV news. _A lot._

Today, he is marching with students demanding common sense gun laws. He is wearing a hoodie and carrying a sign. He looks about twenty two. It took several news channels an embarrassing amount of time to identify the loud-mouthed "college student" as Captain America.

"Your boyfriend is on TV again," Rhodey tells Tony, coming into the living room with a bowl of popcorn.

"Ehh," Tony settles back against the couch. "Keeps him busy, keeps the nation entertained. Can't complain."

"I am sure you'll find a reason to," Rhodey sits down. "Scoot over, I like this part. Oh they sent a newbie."

"Who sent a newbie?"

"Fox News," Rhodey laughs. "They sent a newbie to interview Captain America. TV gold, I tell you. In three minutes, Steve's going to get the kid to pick up a sign and march with _them_."

"What the - have you been watching my boyfriend on the news, Rhodes?"

"Tones," Rhodey picks up the remote to raise the volume, "EVERYONE's been watching your boyfriend on the news."  
  
*  
  
"A twitter war, Steve?" Tony walks into their bedroom, his phone in hand.

"Hey sweetheart," Steve stretches on their bed, limbs long and sinewy under the covers. Tony knows he is naked under there. Tony's got Captain America naked in his bed, and instead of being ecstatic, he's mad about the twenty missed calls SI's PR division left on his phone.

"Don't you sweetheart me, Rogers," Tony points an angry finger at him from the doorway. "Did you or did you not call Mitch McConnell a greedy, capitalist polluter with delusions of grandeur?"

"I did," Steve folds his hands over his chest, looking proud. "And I stand by that."

"Steve -"

"You know what, Tony," Steve starts. "You agree with me. And you have called people worse."

"That's not true!"

"JARVIS -"

The recording starts playing in their bedroom, loud in the silence.

_"I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. Demanding that I turn it in is tantamount to asking that I surrender. Which is similar to slavery, and depending on the state, prostitution."_

_"Mr. Stark, I am not an expert -"_

_"In prostitution? of course not, you're a senator."_

It plays out painfully, and Steve looks smugger and smugger by the minute.

"Jarvis, you traitor, mute."

"Did you or did you not finish that hearing by calling a senator an ass clown, Tony?"

"Well, he had it coming."

"So did McConnell," Steve languidly kicks off the sheets, stretching his arms above his head in a lazy, drawn out motion.

"You're such a fake, Rogers," Tony laughs, but takes off his t-shirt because he is not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He knees up the bed, getting his hands on Steve's glorious chest and leaning in for a kiss. 

"Hi," Steve laughs into his mouth. 

"Hi," Tony says back. "I am not annoyed that you're picking fights with the Senate Majority leader. I am annoyed that I hardly see you when you saunter off to fight injustice."

"Maybe I'll just take you along with me the next time," Steve says into his neck. "Maybe I'll ask nicely."

"Maybe - _oooh_ \- I'll say yes."  
  
*  
  
Steve goes on Fox News.

 _That's_ an interesting week to work in the Avengers PR office. Very _interesting_.  
  
*  
  
Coulson comes by the tower, carrying with him a cardboard box of old Cap comics.

Tony recognizes several of the editions, and feels a foreboding weight settle in the base of his stomach.

"Oh no," he says into a palm. "No, don't do this to me, Coulson."

Coulson looks as pleasant-faced as ever, his expression just a notch above _bored government bureaucrat_.

"What's all this?" Steve comes in to the room, a wet towel hanging off his shoulders. He's just got out of the shower.

"Coulson..." Tony warns, but the man pretends to have not heard him.

"When you went missing," Coulson says, expression blank. "The military licensed out your image occasionally. Some of it leaked into the comics book world." He pulls out one thin volume. "In this one, Captain America warns against the spreading influence of communism. In this one, he encourages young men to build muscles so women will like them."

"What?" Steve looks horrified.

"This is the one where he talks about the family," Phil opens it to a particular page. "Traditional families."

"The military approved this?"

"From time to time," Phil nods, his expression unchanging. "These editions," he places a thick stack on the table, "were released during Vietnam and contain horrible, xenophobic, anti-Asian rhetoric that they will make any reasonable person cringe."

Steve picks one up and turns the page. Tony presses at his temples, anticipating the stress headache and the inevitable PR meetings.

"I have two things to say to you," Phil says, pulling out the remaining comics and laying them out on the table, "One, kids are the number one demographic that purchase superhero comic books. Two, the military still owns the rights to Cap's image and is planning on a new line of editions around the Executive Order banning trans people from serving in the forces."

Steve's face turns red, followed by an alarming shade of purple.

"I heard you're busy championing the environment and the minimum wage," Phil continues, smiling now. "When you get a free minute, I figured you might like to take on the US Military."

"Tony," Steve turns to Tony. "I am going to need a lawyer."  
  
*  
  
The TV anchor is absolutely aghast.

"Please, Captain - are you telling me that you, that Captain America is a pacifist?"

"The best argument for pacifism is made by men who've fought in wars," Steve spits out. "Are you telling me that I don't qualify?"

The anchor sputters, wordless against Steve's pragmatism.

"This President finds a convenient time to attack a country powerless against us," Steve continues. "History tells us that this isn't the first time this has happened. My common sense tells me it's an election year. Yes, my generation fought in wars. But we did it so people can be _free._ I don't like bullies, no matter which country's flag they're wearing on their uniforms."

And that's _that_.  
  
*  
rogerscancaptainmyass wrote:

_Boomers kept telling us Captain America is one of theirs, and yet the greatest glow-up of this century has been watching Steve Rogers be a socialist rage muffin and take on the establishment #iamhereforthis #socialistragemuffin_

canondoe wrote:

 _he got into a verbal slap fight with Bill 'OReilly last week and_ won

capnguns wrote:

_he told congress he disapproves of military expansionism and if they think he should shut up, they can blow him_

rogerscancaptainmyass wrote:  
_  
thanks for that visual i guess_  
  
*  
#socialistragemuffin trends for days after Steve tells Congress to blow him.  
  
*  
Jon Stewart looks at him. A minute ticks by.

Jon Stewart stares at him some more.  
  
Steve sits there, on camera, on national television and blushes.  
  
"Yeah," Jon says. "I don't know how to talk to you."  
  
"I get that a lot," Steve admits, smug.  
  
"You're like a liberal wet dream come true," Stewart gushes.   
  
"That's a new one," Steve frowns. "And in my day, a person who holds my views would have been called a moderate. It says a lot about how far right this country's major conservative party has slid that expecting 9/11 firefighters to get their due would be considered socialist liberalism, but that's where we are as a country."

Stewart looks like he wants to kiss him.

"Can I kiss you?" Stewart asks. This wasn't in the pre-interview briefing, and his staff exchange looks behind the scenes, waiting for Cap to turn him down gently, when -

"Sure," Cap says immediately.

Stewart leans across the desk, takes Steve's face in his hands and plants one on him right there. 

Steve flushes, looking pleased with himself. Stewart sits back in his chair, looks at the camera, and says point blank, "Yes, for you at home, yes, I can swear to you. Whatever it is you are imagining? That felt _better."_

*  
  
That time, he definitely breaks Twitter.  
  
*  
Steve gives generously from his accumulating backpay.

He gives to the ACLU, to Veterans' Support funds, to LGBTQIA support groups, to teenage suicide hotlines, to planned parenthood, to Greenpeace.

He gives loudly, vociferously, generously.  
  
He puts on horrible, glaring orange volunteer t-shirts and gets his hands dirty. He tells everyone who would listen about the work the ACLU is doing. He steps up to the plate and talks people's ears off about civic responsibility.

He becomes a meme. He is a talking point.

But stunningly, because his earnestness comes through, people _listen_ to him.

*  
  
"You - are - an - expensive - habit - to - keep," Tony pants, thrusting in and out of the clutch of Steve's tightness. He is warm and tight and glorious beneath Tony, panting with exertion. They have been at it for a while now.

"You have," Steve paws at Tony's shoulders, urging him to go harder, "blown billions - ugh - on worse."

"Sadly true," Tony admits, tilting his hips just right to hit Steve's prostate.

They forget about everything else for a while after that.  
  
*  
  
When they win the lawsuit, and the US Government is forced to release the rights to Cap's image, and pay millions in damages, Steve promises Tony, "A quiet life from here on out. I swear."

Two weeks later, some jacked up guy kills Nick Fury in the middle of a DC Street.  
  
*  
  
Tony would be madder about Steve destroying half of DC and most of the country's intelligence infrastructure, but he honestly can't muster the strength to. He was on the list of Project Insight's targets. Worse, so was Bruce. 

Tony has several things to be angry about this week. Steve burying a couple of helicarriers in the _Potomac_ doesn't even make the cut.  
  
*  
  
"Honey, I committed treason again."

"I thought I would get tired of hearing you say that, _and yet_."  
  
*  
  
Anderson Cooper asks Steve on live television what he thought about the President's EO banning trans people from serving in the military.

He did that. He _asked_ on live TV. Anderson Cooper is a rabble rouser, Tony's always said. Cooper asks the question, and then sits back in his chair, letting Steve do the rest.

"It's a bit much that this _President,"_ Steve spits the words out, "Who has not served - who hasn't _served one day in uniform,"_ Steve continues, "forgive me, but I think it's a bit much that this _President_ deems himself worthy of any qualification to dictate anyone else's right to serve. It is blatant bigotry. In less than a decade, we will ashamed of this national conversation. We will be ashamed that this was even a question. We will be ashamed that we let a fear-mongering demagogue set the national agenda."

"Please Captain," Cooper smiles. "Tell us how you really feel."

"For a country founded on the very ideal of freedom," Steve says with finality, "we have a terrible history of letting one group of citizens feel like they are somehow _less_ than others."  
  
*  
  
I have a bone to pick with you," Colbert tells him with a serious look on his face.

"What did I do?"

"Listen," Colbert leans in, his elbows on the desk, his face in his palms, "I am the first person to acknowledge that Stewart is a beautiful man -"  
  
"Very handsome," Steve agrees, smiling.

"But we are very big on treating all late night hosts equally, here on the _Late Show,"_ Colbert pulls out a chapstick and runs it over his lips. "And I am miffed that you kissed Jon, and not me -"

"Oh, I am sorry," Steve looks appropriately regretful.

"Really, it breaks my heart, it does."

"That was not my intention."

"And I bet Jon that I could get you to kiss me when you come on _this_ show," Colbert announces. "I said to him, 'if Cap kisses me, I will match all the proceeds to the VA tonight.'"  
  
"Well, I mean, if it is for the _vets,"_ Steve gets to his feet. A staff member helpfully puts a bough of holly above their heads, as the audience cheers.   
  
Colbert puts his hands on Steve's hips and kisses him intensely. It's actually a pretty great kiss.

"That was nice," Steve says. "You can donate to the VA here. The website should be down here on your screen right now. Remember, Colbert's promised to match all donations today, and our veterans need your help."  
  
*  
  
Sam shows up in Steve's apartment the next day.

"What?"  
  
"Do you know how much money in donations the VA received yesterday?"  
  
"Oh, I forgot about that," Steve says earnestly. "Did it help?"

Sam looks at him like he can't believe this dork exists.

"You complete - you utter - you - "

"Sam?"

"From all my vets at the center," Sam says to him, his eyes still showing some of the disbelief and daze he's been in since Colbert's segment aired. "Thank you."

"No thanks necessary," Steve promises. "I had self-serving motives, Sam. Remember? I _am_ a vet myself."

It's quite hard to remember that sometimes, with Steve being who he is, and the way he is.

*

"What is it like, dating Captain America?" A student asks him during a panel at MIT. 

Before the moderator can chime in with the traditional _please keep all questions strictly on topic,_ Tony answers the kid. "It is glorious. It is amazing. It involves far more bail money and federal investigations than anyone would have believed possible, but his cooking more than makes up for it."

Completely deadpan, the student says, "Sure, his cooking makes up for it," into the microphone.

#Cap'sCooking trends for hours.

*  
  
Steve punches a neo-nazi and refuses to apologize. His defense? The man he punched was a _Nazi._

"Steve." Tony pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I asked, okay?" Steve tells him. "I made sure that he really _did believe_ all the crap he was spouting. He said he is a Nazi and proud of it. So I punched him. Simple."

"No, not simple Steve," Tony shakes his head. "I mean, yes, I agree with you one hundred percent, but - STEVE."

"I don't see what the problem is."

*

"You can't punch people, Captain," a reporter tells him during a press conference. "Even if you disagree with their beliefs -"

"Stop right there," Steve says in his _listen up cause I am one hundred percent serious right now voice._

"Believing that government spending is good for the economy versus bad is a disagreement," Steve crosses his arms over his chest. "Believing that Santa is real versus unreal is a disagreement. Believing that a group of people are somehow worth _less_ than others isn't grounds for a disagreement. It's twisted bigotry."

"Be as it may, you are a representative of the US military, and taking sides in a civilian demonstration -"

"Son," Steve snaps, exasperated, "the US military _gave me_ this body to punch Nazis. My job description was to punch Nazis. They paid me seventy years of backpay for having punched Nazis. I served with other men who punched Nazis. There are comic books of me punching Nazis. I liberated concentration camps in Poland in 1945. Do you really mean to tell me that between me and the neo-nazi, I am the one who's got the wrong end of the stick?"

The reporter shuts up.

*  
  
"Is this why she shot you?" Tony asks Steve, lying on top of him, their skins sweaty and cooling in the late evening air. "Because you tend to ignore all reason and go flying in to correct injustice?"

"Nah," Steve laughs beneath him. "She caught me kissing a private."

"You what?!" 

"We weren't stepping out together at the time!" Steve defends himself. "I thought Peg had a thing with - well, your dad, actually."

"Eww! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

"I thought they were _fonduing_."

"Rogers, oh my god, I am kicking you out of bed, see if I don't."

"Anyway," he laughs. "Peg set me straight."

"By shooting at you."

"I had the shield, it was fine."

"I wonder when I will do something like that," Tony kisses Steve's chest. "Shoot at you in jealousy."

"Don't worry darling, we'll get there."  
  
*  
  
When Bucky Barnes is declared a free man, his mind restored (as much as it possibly can), he walks around the tower in soft hoodies with his hair in a man bun. 

But now Tony's got another person to be _exasperated at_ Steve with.

"Was he like this when he was small?"

"Believe it or not, he was worse."

"I am trying to imagine that," Tony shudders. "It scares me."

"He tried to fight off guys twice his size with nothing but a trash can lid."

"So what you're saying is, nothing's changed."

A pause.

"He's prettier now," Barnes points out.

"Amen," Tony agrees, cause - _yeah_.  
  
*  
  
Natasha tells Barnes about the jumping out of planes without a parachute thing.

Because she is an _evil, evil_ person.  
  
*

The truth is that Barnes is just as bad as Rogers.

The pair of them go off on a quick tour to visit the pyramids.

They come back having exposed US meddling in the elections of a middle-Eastern country, and a government conspiracy to invade another nation for oil.

"A lovely vacation," Barnes tells Tony once they're back. "We saw camels."

"Yeah," Tony nods because this is _his life now._ "Sounds wonderful." He leans forward to kiss him, Barnes' skin warm and sunburned under his fingers.

*  
  
When the call comes at four am, Tony gropes for the phone under the pillows for a solid minute before he finds it. 

Grumbling, he thrusts it at the person sleeping beside him. 

"Your turn," he mutters.

"Can't be my turn," Barnes groans into a pillow. "It was my turn last time."

"I did the healthcare rally."

"Ugh why Steve," Barnes groans with more feeling, answering the phone. "Steve. I am going to kill you. Where are you?"

When he hangs up, Tony says, "Take the black Amex. That's the bail money account."

"The one with all those rewards points?"

"Shored up quite a bit," Tony agrees, turning back into his pillow.

"Imma hit him upside the head."

"Then kiss him."

"That too."

Barnes gets dressed, comes around the bed to kiss Tony's forehead before grabbing the car keys.

"Jarvis, wake me up when there's breakfast," he smiles contentedly, turning over. Steve usually makes _I-am-sorry-I-got-arrested-again_ apology pancakes with chocolate chips the morning after. 

Twitter notwithstanding, Cap's cooking is amazing. 

Tony goes back to sleep with a smile on his face.

*

**Author's Note:**

> Am I projecting my own beliefs onto Steve Rogers? Yes.  
> Am I wrong? No.  
> This offends you? Fuck off.
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://baffledkingcomposinghallelujah.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Please like/reblog the fic post on tumblr [here.](https://capsao3feed.tumblr.com/post/190095285241/captain-socialist-rage-muffin-america)


End file.
